[+16.7.13! || 13:06]

This place is a virus. Even for people who have a stronghold in knowing what their dreams are and what makes them happy, there tends to be a massive undercurrent of dissatisfaction that knocks you unconscious whenever you look around you. You start to notice all these could-haves, must-haves, and should-haves; adorn more scrutinizing lenses of yourself and others very possibly measured by material and social recognition. Rid yourself of that insatiable lust for more or human need to compare! Waste no time chasing pavements when you are already in the spot with the best view. 

all that matters, is today(: -

[+28.6.13! || 11:03]

all that matters, is today(: -

[+21.5.13! || 15:43]

I thought this was a disastrous event - trying to mitigate the situation but instead having it blow up in my face. Girls all over, please don't try this at home. It is the common mistake that the dainty ladies with fragile feelings and even the Miss I-need-an-industrial-forklift-for-my-emotional-baggage drama queens would make. What I'm referring to, is not the innocent and arguably reasonable need to feel wanted (albeit within sane limits), but the unending point of satisfaction that you are constantly chasing for, eventually forgetting the need you had set out to fulfill in the first place.

There is this tool in Psychology to assess the deep-set beliefs and attitudes that we, as complicated human beings, hold that contort our minds to think we are miserable. Like cancer, we start attacking our own body cells to get rid of the malaise but not realising that the source is within us and the attack is detrimental, or perhaps futile at best. We use the concept of the Downward Arrow, drilling deep into the recesses of our consciousness and peeling off the layers of artificial expectations, down to the root source. We learn to keep our eye on the prize, not to be caught in the thrill of the chase. Take out the opinions, the judgments, and the assumptions, to whittle it down to a pure humanistic instinct - the need for attention, for love, for connection and warmth (without which we would be like The Walking Dead). That is something that we make no apologies for.

Finding the balance between fulfilling that need and imposing demands on others is the tough part. Constantly faced with the dilemma of whether to be honest & difficult or untruthful & appeasing, I would often choose the latter - not because there is a right and wrong in the world of personality, but rather that our inner demons come in all shapes and sizes. People's decision-making processes are just like electric currents - they take the path of least resistance. To me, confrontation is resistance. But then it occurred to me that it did not really matter what the details were - all the he-said-she-said of debate contests, as long as there is communication, rationality and truth, the end is justified. Keep your love, (kiss your man) and carry on.

One other thing that did not sit well though was the inherent sense of guilt for putting someone out with this unnecessary stress when all they had was good intentions in the first place. But I remembered the bottom line, like all lines, highlights the important point and delivers it like a punch - when we grow old with wobbly knees and would probably be stuck on our motorized wheelchairs anyway, we will be giggling like little children about how our youthful love was wasted on these impetuous ideals we had before.

Growing old together with you - what hold will indignation have over us?

all that matters, is today(: -

[+24.4.13! || 12:17]

25 things about me - 4 years later

1 Love is a big part of my life - I would feel empty without it. Love for life, for people, and for the little things that make us smile.
2 I'm easily happy.
3 I have a big love for languages - including the non-verbals.
4 And I occasionally dream in Japanese. Or have sudden Japanese exclamations in my drunk subconscious state.
5 I like to write. Whether it's for the beauty of words or the lost art of handwriting, it intrigues me. (cue: title of this blog)
6 I would have a baby tomorrow if I could. (Man or no man around)
7 That being said, I have a theory that kids are cute until they are 5, thereafter they should be sent away. And then I can claim them back at 13. I find their teenage years endearing.
8 ID kids are my soft spot.
9 But I'm also the type of crazy person who would feel bad for serial killers.
10 My alcohol tolerance is still the same as before - half a can of beer. Anything beyond would send me into space.
11 I think that imperfection is what makes photos beautiful.
12 I have strange eating habits, that have been likened to rabbits, hamsters and 4 year-olds.
13 My music taste is just as haphazard - I don't know that I'll like it until I do.
14 When I travel, I go all out to experience.
15 India - travel dope of choice.
16 Multiple orgasms. Nuff said.
17 I steal blankets.
18 I internalize mostly (i.e. sad > angry). Also linked to low assertiveness skills.
19 60% feeler, 40% thinker - Feelings come first, then thinking sets in.
20 I fear loneliness. But it is not the same as being alone.
21 I used to have people. Now I have a person. You're my person.
22 When in doubt, I remember that things happen for a reason. It's just God's preparation for something better.
23 I believe that in this world, there is no black and white. It is a huge patch of grey, where you mark your own boundaries of black and white.
24 My life has just started.
25 I love Jesus.

Now read what I wrote 4 years ago. 

Instruction says - If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you - implying that it is imperative that you write one too.

1 I'm always late. (like how I'm late for lunch with wensheng now cause of writing this)
2 I go crazy over stationery like notebooks, paper, boxes. I can spend up to $100 on them in a week.
3 Shopping is integral in my life, it's important that I get my weekly if not daily dose.
4 And no I'm not rich even though I live at Sixth Ave which really is just a name of a road.
5 Anything that is heart-shaped (preferably red) can stop me in my tracks. Even an inconspicuous heart-shaped leaf lying on the road can catch my eye. Needless to say, valentine's day gets the better of me.
6 Sashimi is a staple, just like sushi and all other japanese food.
7 You may notice my sudden outbursts of Japanese for the lack of better expressions in English or Chinese. (even though pple don't understand me and think I'm crazy)
8 Which brings me to the fact that I like Chinese. CL1101E is highly recommended.
9 I'm effectively quadralingual including French.
10 Thinking is something I do alot, whether voluntarily or involuntarily, just like worrying. It's difficult to get into my head and pry the thoughts from within unless I've known the person for a long, long time.
11 Dogs make me happy. Their eyes takes you away from the deceit and lies of people. All dogs are cute, but Toffee is irreplaceable.
12 I don't eat shark's fin precisely for people to follow suit in an effort to save the species (which is dying from the rapid killing for their fins to satisfy the tastes of the lavish and ostentatious)
13 I strongly encourage people to refuse flyers in order to save the trees because I believe that environmentalism is more important than the salary of the flyer distributor, who should have looked for a more constructive job altogether.
14 Vegetables appeal to me more than meat. But if I had my way, I would like to become a dessertarian.
15 I thought about shaving my head for cancer cause before but there were too many repercussions though I still would like to do it.
16 I wish that I started playing volleyball earlier so that I could have had a chance to pursue it further.
17 My brothers are two people that I cannot live without because they scold me like my parents and talk to me like my friends.
18 I think that I will die by either falling down a staircase or in a car accident because I like to jump down the stairs too many steps at a time and cross the road without looking.
19 My low alcohol tolerance (just as bad as my sense of time) never fails to provide good stories for reminiscing. Which brings me to the night before last night when I first puked after drinking. Some say I vomitted like the merlion.
20 I donate blood every 3 months because that's the most often you can go.
21 Grey's Anatomy and Gilmore Girls are my favourite TV shows. I like Grey's because they have terrible values and good principles at the same time. Gilmore Girls is just purely a classic.
22 I am a Grade 7 in piano.
23 I like Bath & Body Works' sweet pea shampoo and Shokubutsu's oatmeal body wash.
24 I am now devastated that derek did not propose to meredith (what an idiot) after watching S5E14.
25 I am afraid of lizards.

So similar but yet so different. In retrospect, identity is just a fluid form that is ever-changing.

all that matters, is today(: -

[+23.1.13! || 15:52]

There's nothing like an injection of enthusiasm into the fabric of our humdrum existence. Nothing too Days of Our Lives drama material that an average human heart can't handle but just enough to put the chuckle in Father Santa.

all that matters, is today(: -

[+29.10.12! || 10:38]

Recalling happy memories about a past relationship is not a bad thing. Most people may be scared to find that they are missing a particular moment they have shared with that special someone once upon a time. Maybe it's because it makes them feel vulnerable to the emotional elements, or that it is mistaken as pining. When a relationship ends in heartbreak (with or without breaking any china), the next phonecall we make is usually to book a one-way ticket out of that person's life and never look back. We want to move on, heal, and be ready for the next one that comes along (or maybe join a convent).
In actual fact, it is inhumane, or rather, humanly impossible, to forget about the good - they even had to build a machine for it in Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind. As far as the old sayings go - forgive and forget, live and let live (I could go on forever), it certainly did not leave instructions to lobotomize the happy memories etched in the past. We may pack them into a really tiny box and stash it away among other inconceivable moments (or sleeping with the fishes), but it will see the light of day occasionally, and can't be forgotten. 
When we have truly healed, the melancholic song-writing urges will stop, the fascination with Lady Gaga will turn into fifty shades of horror, and all wrongs will be righted. Any deep-seated hatred or blood-sworn revenge will dissipate and you may find yourself turning to love instead of bitterness. Do not be apologetic for it - not to yourself, your friends or your partner. It makes us a better person. Romans 5:8 reminds us how God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Let's raise our glasses to celebrate happy memories - to have-beens and more to come. 

Here's to all the eXes (and Os).

all that matters, is today(: -

[+26.8.12! || 00:35]

This is like the moment in the morning when you first wake up and you're still half asleep and everything seems, like things are possible, dreams are can come true, and for that one moment between waking and sleeping, anything can be real.

all that matters, is today(: -

[+15.6.12! || 10:14]

There is always a twist in stories, even in each chapter, that jolts us back into focus just when we start to believe that it's going to be a smooth ride. This is how we will never have blind footsteps; many mistakes and dumb choices that we will have to live with - yes, but not unguided by explanations, experiences or emotions.. 

Something prompted me to go back to 'Tuesdays with Morrie' where they talked about detachment. Instead of steeling ourselves against emotions for fear of being vulnerable, allow ourselves to experience them fully and completely. Turn on the faucet. Wash yourself with the emotion. It won't hurt you, it will only help. If you let the fear inside, if you pull it on like a familiar shirt, then you can say to yourself, "Alright, it's only fear. I don't have to let it control me. I see it for what it is."

Same for loneliness: you let go, let the tears flow, feel it completely - but eventually be able to say, "Alright, that was my moment of loneliness. I'm not afraid of feeling lonely, but now I'm going to put that loneliness aside and know that there are other emotions in the world, and I'm going to experience them as well."

"Detach," Morrie said again. 

all that matters, is today(: -

[+1.4.12! || 17:16]

The pink ponytail, the smiling with the teeth, it's fake. I'm a fraud.
I'm not happy and bubbly, I'm dark and cloudy,
because I'm the type of crazy person who feels bad for serial killers.

all that matters, is today(: -

[+22.3.12! || 19:32]

What it takes to finalize: A stuffed nose, a whole day to myself and my bible, and not enough strength to put myself in this misery any longer.
What it does not take for me to crumble: A pretend-friend who pushes so hard that bones break.

Thanks to mart, kachng, my brother, just for being there when I can't do it by myself.

I still miss him like crazy.
And I want so badly to tell him that.
And I think if he asks one more time I think I might just give in.

all that matters, is today(: -

[+16.2.12! || 22:21]


I'm not alone

all that matters, is today(: -

[+7.9.11! || 19:03]

Sudden recollection of a time in session that struck a deep chord in me:
Sharing the joy of a simple song with a whole group of strangers who take their privileges very seriously. Despite the silence that fell over everyone as the tune started, communication did not cease. Whether it was because of the melody or the circumstances it was played under, everyone stopped to really listen to the song and eschew the significance it brought to each of us. In that sense we were more in synch than a military band. It's times like these that I never forget that it does not take much to be happy. Contentment is a function of your own expectations. Like what d said, there is no black and white in the world, only one big patch of grey. And in that grey area, you mark your own boundaries of black and white.
Here's a soundbite for you to sink your teeth into, plus it advocates for the GLM -wink-


all that matters, is today(: -

[+19.5.11! || 21:10]

No need to have lunch alone when I'm dining with the chefs.

Or even better, the superintendent.

all that matters, is today(: -

Owen: "I'm staying out of this.. But you're very beautiful."
Christina: "Oh screw beautiful. I'm brilliant. You wanna appease me, compliment my brain!"

I'd say.

all that matters, is today(: -

[+29.4.11! || 12:45]

I believe a little competition is always good for us as individuals and groups. Especially since cognitive disputation is something we strive for every day at work. Whether it's with regards to the policy-makers who we vote in come what (7th) may, or to our own personal growth and learning, which is why we see the high level of engagement through micro-debates, happening via multiple media platforms at alarming rates. Media by the masses, for the masses, indeed.

But before we get too carried away, let us not forget the sore losses of the dot-com bubble phenomenon. The idea was that companies' survivals depended on expanding their customer base in spite of running into large annual losses. 'Get large or get lost' might be a quick fix solution to set the stage for this GE campaigning bubble. It's easy for government naysayers to stamp their feet and make themselves heard, promising attractive public offerings of lofty ideas on change. But when push comes to shove as they have burnt through their venture capital, what comes next? Is the opposition blackhole better than the PAP potholes?

Then again, the masses don't know what they don't know. This is where PAP's responses, or even PAP supporters' voices (ironically, the alternative to the online mainstream disposition), come in.

That said, as much as we are entitled to our own opinions, others are inclined to disregard what they hear as irrelevant or trite.

all that matters, is today(: -

[+16.4.11! || 22:41]

Taking the chance of this nice slow day disentangled from the wrangled mess of work to recompose, I had a good talk with dom who as usual gladly took out time to be the soundboard (& sometimes punching bag) after work-related stress tendencies and woe-infested shattered assumptions about the world.

Day to day I'm fishing for meaning, mustering up strength to reel my goal closer into my grasp, all so that I can finally pat myself on the back one day and heave a sigh of recognized achievement. You know it's hard when you're chasing the shadows and the dust bunnies of other contestants in the race. And when there's a catch in the fine print before you can claim your prize, you have to make sacrifices. It was all written there in the disclaimer before you took the plunge, so you can't scream in unfairness.

Busyness is my drug of choice. You are consumed by functional evils in front of you, something which in within your control, such that your back is turned against all the insurmountable disasters that rage on behind.

On a lighter note, I sat in the D op's car yesterday. Stoic, it was.
There was an inside joke about heaven and hell, and I find it highly amusing. ☺

all that matters, is today(: -

[+11.4.11! || 19:27]

speaking in hushed tones on the phone along corridors
seems to be my thing
as of late

all that matters, is today(: -

[+10.4.11! || 01:53]




all that matters, is today(: -

[+9.4.11! || 15:02]

Buildings are masters of paralyzing deception.
With concrete portals of entry, you seldom know what the next room or the next level holds. Peeling back the layers, perception-changing encounters serve to transform you as an outsider into one of the in-groups (pun).
When you are due to make an exit, the step out the door is accompanied by a flush of sorts - relief, freedom; a clysmic renewal washes over you.

Buildings. They lie to the people outside.

all that matters, is today(: -

[+17.3.11! || 22:41]

The worm in my stomach today was the immense pang of wanting to return to Japan. (again).

I'm sure everyone has the feeling of wanting to claim back the life on exchange. Back to the exciting yet familiar surroundings, leisurely yet constructive activities and 'without a doubt' (quoting Mr. TV star on Danish channel XYZ), back to the posse from all walks of life. Honestly, they taught me more than professors seemed to be able to. But with the repetitive reference to Japan's plight in traditional and social media combined, the reasons for missing the place that people now shun, have been taken to a whole new level.

Praying for Japan doesn't seem to be enough. How can we empathise while we sit on our thrones of sanctuary and high chairs of relativism, where our best understanding can only be a vicarious disposition, twice removed? Yep, maybe we can just buy some Koi bubble tea and contribute to the fund-raising efforts. Hu-rray.

I still love my Japan.

all that matters, is today(: -

[+16.3.11! || 23:10]

"You're cute. I like you."
That's what the boy says (whether he's just saving his butt after making me pout or if he really means it, is another story)

But then I tell him not to block my view of his cute doggie sleeping on the bed.

all that matters, is today(: -

[+14.3.11! || 21:46]

I can't count how many red hearts there are within my sight as I sit at my desk, the stage of my thoughts. But one red heart is dancing along to the movement of strings. And these strings happen to mirror the seismic wave lines of the aftershock in Japan's waters.
I feel like the quake's effect has reached me all the way even here, and shaken my nerves down. Everything I see reminds me of Japan as my second home, from neoprint cubes of colourful bursts and Kawaii poses (プリクラ) hiding in the contours of my wallet, plushie trophies won in taito game station pilgrimmages, a lego heart a boy gave me from palette town お台場 (where Tokyo Bay has met with direct repercussions), to dictionaries of advanced Japanese grammar that served as my pillows during 期末試験, iphone recordings of my 対人関係の心理 Psychology prof 清水先生 and his bullet train deliveries, down to the very heartwarming kodak shots of kinship I had there.
But most importantly, that's my own city of love and shelter, where I grew under its nurture and found a chance at happiness. And I can't bear to see its tethers challenged by nature on a warpath.

all that matters, is today(: -

Regalement & Renewal are my two best friends today.

Before, when I reduced my self-efficacy to a mere dependence on suzy's bedtime spot, I wasn't aware of the functionalistic innovations my mind could conjure up as a coping response.
Walking down the hills & hallways of university campus during the hustle of dusk, you're definitely subject to social obligations to meet & greet. With stakes high on the label of loneliness and the collar of cool, I see my misty thoughts of you waft and weave into a figure beside me, standing tall and striding steady. I close my eyes and suddenly I'm not alone on the bus ride home anymore. The song on my ipod make up the words you are saying to me and the reflection in the glass window form the blonde hair and blue eyes I long to stare into. You're here, & I'm not alone.

My source of energy, intangible and inexplicable.
"僕は信じてるから 君もあきらめないでいて
何度でも この両手を あの空へ"

all that matters, is today(: -

[+24.2.11! || 20:17]

I need a friend.
Comment allez vous?

all that matters, is today(: -

[+23.2.11! || 03:00]

I have never been more in limbo than this moment. Oscillating between avoidance and intrusion of unwanted thoughts, coupled with arousal of negative emotions, these are the known symptoms. But what is the trauma?

All I know is that the 3 facets of previously represented assumptions seem to have been shattered. The world is not so benevolent (it is unforgiving and judgmental), not so meaningful (it is unjust and unwarranted events rain down on us) and the self is not so competent to act (it is defeated and very much helpless). There is no coping mechanism when there are no traumatic memories to recall, no stimuli to be repeatedly exposed to for habituation, and no network of fear nodes to begin with.

This is just me on an autopilot system malfunction.

all that matters, is today(: -

Oh dear lord, the world is coming to an end for me. What I'm experiencing now may very well be pre-trauma symptoms of panic and helplessness, because it feels like the sky is caving in on me with every corner of comfort and pillar of solace I turn to seems to leave me barren of social support and emotional strength.

Re-assimilation is not that difficult when you think about it: coming home to the warmth of your long-loved family and friends who you knew were true and would welcome you back with open arms, it's almost like a bed of roses. And then a tiny hint of revelation hits you, that some of them have taken many steps forward, and you're left behind hanging on to the trace of their shadow. It's not like them to forsake you and your once genuine camaraderie, but tides change and time waits for no one.

If only exchange was like inception, where you've been in dreamland for years but the clock in reality only reads minutes past the hour.

all that matters, is today(: -

[+20.2.11! || 23:33]

Hey boy,

I'm glad I had you on that ride home. The hours didn't seem long and arduous when I had your shoulder in my exhaustion, and your steadying hands when I walked drearily at the pitstops. You were good. Even with the drunk man from the tour bus of drunks who befriended us in a heartbeat. Helping me buy my candies from 7/11 without which I would have never survived the way back. In the dark of the night with the cold so biting, we found our path home, our footsteps making their marks side by side.

It's not documented since I didn't have the pretty colours capture these minutes. It didn't even cross my mind that we were a marching sign of solidarity. It was just a regular yawn. But now it's coming back to me, like a battle cry. Memories without pictures and words, prove the most vivd of all.

They are called flashbulb memories.

all that matters, is today(: -

There is a demon inside me.

& there is nothing but strength for it to grow.

All I ask is for might to see it through.

Because there is not another day I can be in this shadow

all that matters, is today(: -

[+30.1.11! || 15:35]

hoping that no one will remember this abandoned site, it might just become my safe haven for thoughts that are bubbling at the surface waiting to spill over but has nowhere to go.

i didnt think about the attacks. much as i went through the aftermath in my head, i definitely did not see this one coming. and when you got served by some of the closest around you, people whose thoughts matter to you like your life would go out of tangent if they so much as sneezed, it really does feel like the end of the world.

when you find someone and be together with that one, it's supposed to make you more complete, loved, supposed to give you the strength to conquer more obstacles and scale the mt fujis of the world. but terms and conditions apply, because geographical boundaries and timezones prevent us from sitting down and having a cup of tea together on a rainy sunday afternoon, or the fact that my diminishing will to continue can't be revived by someone whose presence is represented by suzy's teddybear.

in essence, reality has me shaken down. but i don't want to be another one who bites the dust.

all that matters, is today(: -

[+24.11.10! || 09:19]

took a mental and physical hiatus from reality, and it's about time i got back

all that matters, is today(: -

[+9.8.10! || 11:45]

the girl who had made you her own
and how you left her alone

all that matters, is today(: -

[+3.8.10! || 23:32]

At night the sun in the tree,
Made the skyline look like crooked teeth,
In the mouth of a man who was devouring, us both

You’re so cute when you’re slurring your speech,
But they’re closing the bar and they want us to leave

I’m a war, of head versus heart,
And it’s always this way.
My head is weak, my heart always speaks,
Before I know what it will say

I built you a home in my heart,
With rotten wood, it decayed from the start

Cause you can’t find nothing at all,
If there was nothing there all along.
No you can’t find nothing at all,
If there was nothing there all along

There were churches, theme parks, and malls,
But there was nothing there all along.

all that matters, is today(: -

[+13.7.10! || 20:13]

I was surfing the net for the Sturge-Weber Syndrome that I came across at work today and I landed at the doorstep of my cobweb laden blog. So here I am brimming with fresh new input about my odysseys to let the sunshine in.

After personally experiencing the bitter aftertaste of somewhat experimental recipes gone wrong, I nursed my shrivelled up tongue & vowed never to go down that path again where dogs bite their masters' hands. I must say there was some good that came out of it, like how I got closer to the eagle brothers.

The other day was my first time in 2390487 cycles of the moon that I went partying again thanks to zy (who definitely did not get wasted before the night was up) & the only reason why I could stay awake enough to hang out was because of the jetlag that USA left me with (12am here would be when I'm just rolling out of bed into the frosty air of san fran or the snapping heat of nevada).

1 night in the den and that's all I could get before a whirlwind start to my internship for a kids' physiotherapy clinic. The children here are real characters that make me laugh & cry! just 3 weeks here before I hop over to another developmental clinic for a month; I will definitely miss the mister mischevious and little miss sunshines around.

all that matters, is today(: -

[+19.5.10! || 03:33]


sudden urge to right the wrongs of the footsteps in the sand

all that matters, is today(: -

[+14.4.10! || 20:45]

"How can you let someone you like cry?" (freng, 2010)

i sometimes oscillate between feeling fortunate and hopeless. what we construe as happiness complicates as we are exposed to more, spinning a web of expectations that is difficult to extricate yourself from. it may be in the form of quantity (i.e. numbers like 1-10 cough) or the incremental benefit it adds to your glorification, like an installment of jewels to your already-laden crown.

unfortunately, I don't find being the target of affection (and a side order of humiliation) any more a consolation than a tissue box to dry my desolation. in fact, i believe i was escorted through a mind-gruelling (if not otherwise known as mfing) spate of tears and frowns (maybe with a dash of smiles) by an overly concerned gentleman these few days. but i assure you, it's no laughing matter. why do people fight for fighting's sake, throwing their friendships callously around without sign or sound. boys are infinitely more unreasonable than girls' and their emotional demands (which should not be disputed if you still value your life and fathers' day presents) and occasionally more hysterical too

i wonder what exactly i'm bringing upon myself (is it dessert or disaster?), it somehow feels like i'm transported back 4 years ago, when it was all about negative numbers. it takes 4 years to run a full round on the hamster's wheel, back to where my displacement is zero (except in this case i believe i can't find the true zero anymore) my worries plague me even when they're unimportant, because i'm pressured to fulfil others' conquests of scoring goals and winning bets. sometimes, you guys make me sad. forgive me if i'm not all that ecstatic to second guess the underlying basis for telling me things that seem to be bending me into any shape you want.
someone bend me back into a smile

all that matters, is today(: -

[+25.2.10! || 12:23]


all that matters, is today(: -

[+19.2.10! || 21:48]

give me one big dose of prozac

yes I am aware it's the holidays but festive seasons see the highest depression rates, and me, I'm just plagued by guilt for not being able to cough up some quality time with some flown-in friends I would otherwise never get to see.

some picturesque pictures

Valentine's Day prawns taste especially good

Lionel's kua simi face

A pregnant prawn called Jeffrey

me and Jeffs

we had heaps of prawns hidden elsewhere .. ...

sheng's mighty mouth

Airshow 2010
kor's instructor


driver & his vehicle

queueing to view what he sees every day

xiaobai the apache driver

where's the ignition??

nice red plane!

still his fave

complement the plane yes? (:

instructor and student reunion


all that matters, is today(: -

[+23.1.10! || 14:58]

sheng says, "coz they nvr knew abt what happened
that caused your strings to break in the first place."
"sometimes somebody comes along and spoils you for others"

lonely hearts still beat the same, it's not romantic, it's just automatic

all that matters, is today(: -

[+21.1.10! || 02:03]

suddenly i'm wondering if i made the wrong choice of ever doing arts club projects

all that matters, is today(: -

[+16.1.10! || 00:47]

rape trauma

all that matters, is today(: -

[+26.12.09! || 21:36]


Sometimes fate is like a small sandstorm that keeps changing directions. You change direction but the sandstorm chases you. You turn again, but the storm adjusts. Over and over you play this out, like some ominous dance with death just before dawn.

all that matters, is today(: -

[+5.12.09! || 01:13]

life's principle in a few

all that matters, is today(: -

[+4.12.09! || 22:30]

if you've been wondering where i have been, so have i. the dimensions we live in are multiple and we make so many mistakes while choosing and prioritizing one over the others. we might just end up poorer for life. heed the killers, wait for something better

smile like you mean it

all that matters, is today(: -

[+3.12.09! || 17:32]

where will we be in 10 years?

all that matters, is today(: -

[+1.12.09! || 23:01]

i'm a salesgirl

all that matters, is today(: -

[+28.11.09! || 22:59]

I have a Thing

I have a thing I want
I have a thing I wish for
I have a thing I need
I have a thing to decide
I have a thing that keeps me happy
I have a thing to celebrate
I have a thing I reminisce about
I have a thing to do
I have a thing I expect
I have a thing to give
I have a thing I crave
I have a thing to fight for
I have a thing that reminds me
I have a thing to think about
I have a thing to dream about
I have a thing up my sleeve
I have a thing to say
I have a thing for you
I have nothing left for me

all that matters, is today(: -

[+23.11.09! || 01:18]

MARTINA/ i'd give anything but i won't give up. says: (1:14:23 AM)
ni zuo tian de zhen yang?
MARTINA/ i'd give anything but i won't give up. says: (1:14:29 AM)
hai hao ma?
Lysia says: (1:14:54 AM)
oh ni zuo tian ye you kao shi?
MARTINA/ i'd give anything but i won't give up. says: (1:15:00 AM)
Lysia says: (1:15:02 AM)
wo de hai okay
MARTINA/ i'd give anything but i won't give up. says: (1:15:05 AM)
zao shang
MARTINA/ i'd give anything but i won't give up. says: (1:15:21 AM)
stupid methods
MARTINA/ i'd give anything but i won't give up. says: (1:15:24 AM)
wo hen tao yan
Lysia says: (1:15:49 AM)
dan shi hao xiang hen rong yi suo yi hui bei na ge ling wan (bell curve) hai si
MARTINA/ i'd give anything but i won't give up. says: (1:16:05 AM)
wo de ye shi!
Lysia says: (1:16:15 AM)
ta ma de...
MARTINA/ i'd give anything but i won't give up. says: (1:16:18 AM)
wo mei you study dao hen thorough
MARTINA/ i'd give anything but i won't give up. says: (1:16:24 AM)
dan wo jue de hai okay
MARTINA/ i'd give anything but i won't give up. says: (1:16:30 AM)
da jia ye jue de okay
MARTINA/ i'd give anything but i won't give up. says: (1:16:39 AM)
jiu shi yao bei bell curve le lor ):

love her to bits

all that matters, is today(: -

[+19.11.09! || 23:45]

Jealousy, turning saints into the sea

I am relishing in joy I am just happy happy happy I don't know why and I can't imagine why either since exams are on Saturday and I'm not nearly half done for any of my modules and I recently learnt of unpleasant things not to mention being unhappy jane for silly reasons but oh oh oh I'm just bright and shiny today I guess it won over my usual dark and twisted alter ego.

Destiny is calling me

Belting out the killers is so awesomely therapeutic right until the point where your neighbour screams your name for you to shut up and stop being a nuisance but I think despite having the KTV toadprince reputation it was still worth it, right? The song is still stuck in my head and the mister brightside label is going to stick like uhu glue as well unfortunately (haha) it's not like I can get away with it either but oh well I have my big (goofy) serious specs to hide behind!

Open up my eager eyes

Sleep is a chore when alarm clocks give you painful bruises yet never seem to really be useful cause in the end you just hit the snooze button, especially on rainy days (Sunday morning rain is falling, steal some covers share some skin) and lazy afternoons. But it helped me take my mind off everything and I'm back to being all smiles, I'm glad, even if it's just for a day.

I'm Mr. Brightside

all that matters, is today(: -

[+15.11.09! || 00:04]

there is one kind
i don't understand them and don't want to even try cause it's a waste of time and emotional effort. they are the same kind of hopeless and clueless, inadequate and awkward. i can't fathom the density (are we human or are we denser?) so why not just go with the flow. getting used to the disappointment, it's called habituation. it just takes one to make the difference! i'm waiting here with my foot outstretched but they are all cases of too's - too big too small too high too low, where's my right fit?
i'm not meant to find that glass slipper

The Theory of Being Left On The Shelf

all that matters, is today(: -

[+12.11.09! || 22:34]

i think i'm on drugs

all that matters, is today(: -

instead of posting on HY2243 forum i'm updating this unlikely little rut with a concert of my thoughts, douse it with some of me essence when i'm in need of a virtual escape
i would like to go to sleep for a 100 years because all the knots i'm facing are impossible to untangle and are cumulatively driving me over cliff, off the deep end.
i am in dire need of a reason to believe in something good again because my serotonin levels are dangerously low and so hang the grey grey clouds
Love, save the empty, please, because chocolates are cheap and they don't last the day

all that matters, is today(: -

[+11.11.09! || 22:01]

I took a look at myself - nothing inside
Except for cigarettes and wine where there should be a life
You've been watching me for a while and you like what you see.
It's in the eyes of the beholder, now give them to me.
Give me your eyes so I can see me straight

all that matters, is today(: -

[+9.11.09! || 21:51]

There's a life across the river that was meant for me
Instead I live my life in constant misery
There's a life across the river but I do not see
Why I should please those who will never be pleased

There's a boy across the river with short black curly hair
He wants to be my lover and I want to be his peer
There's a boy across the river, but alas I cannot swim
And I never will get to put my arms around him

And I'm sorry to which ever man should meet my sorry state,
Watch my steady lonesome gait and be aware.
I will never love a man,'cause love and pain go hand in hand
And I can't do it, again.

all that matters, is today(: -

[+4.11.09! || 23:15]

We're losing hope, so we invest in dope
to feel our vacant feelings
If I only knew your name I'd go from door to door
You wrote your number on my hand but it came off in the rain

all that matters, is today(: -

[+28.10.09! || 00:17]

it is a little strange that lecture was on interpersonal attraction and those confusing variations of love, just when i was about to give up on it all. sure, i wear it on my finger all the time but it's never felt so elusive before. i still strongly believe that girls like us don't make the rules, we just play by them and toe the line.
here's a tribute to summer and tom,
who were so lovely together but never will be

all that matters, is today(: -

[+19.10.09! || 23:54]

What's done is done and cannot be undone

all that matters, is today(: -

[+11.10.09! || 10:35]



all that matters, is today(: -

[+9.10.09! || 22:09]

I love being held. I love when I am in someone's arms, and I know that they would do anything for me. I love waking up to someone and smiling and having them smile back. When you are cold, and you are sharing a blanket and you have their sweatshirt on. your hair is all a mess and your breath smells and you nuzzle up to their neck and they nuzzle you back and wrap their arms around you, and you smile. And fall right back asleep.

I love walking into a room and he smiles back at you, you work your way over, making googiley eyes just for fun until you reach him, and then he wraps you in a big hug and you say hi and act like you haven’t seen each other in ages. That is a great feeling.

Feeling the rush of his lips trail down your body, covering every spot of skin. Giving in to him, giving him what you both want. Feeling like one. Knowing your love will not fade. Knowing giving him that will make him keep you forever, just as you want.

The happy moments, the secret smiles. Going out with his family and saying something they don’t get, but he gives me that look that tells me he got it and he found it funny. Him telling me how beautiful I am in front of his family. Them looking at us and seeing how much we adore each other. The feeling of pride when his mom tells me she is happy her son has found someone so worth his love.

The tears after a big fight. And then him rushing over to dry them with kisses, not being able to sleep until he knows I am better.

The silent way people drift apart, the way the secret smiles fade. The fights end in crying with no one to hold you. the way your world seems to collapse, but you know this isn’t the way its supposed to be.

Yelling at him to fix it, even though you know you did more damage than he did.

After the break up, the feeling of betray as you look at another guy. Knowing you shouldn’t be looking, you don’t belong to them. knowing he still doesn’t look at anyone but you.

When you hang out, the way his eyes watch yours, the way they say sorry, the way you know he wants to kiss you and make all the pain go away. Trying your hardest not to cry because he refuses to become a couple together.

Being completely in love with him. and him with you.

Being best friends.

Him thinking he is not good enough, so he wants you to find someone that is.

You refusing to find someone else because you want him.

The complications. The tears. The heartache.

The feeling of love through it all.

Exact Abstract

all that matters, is today(: -

[+7.10.09! || 21:56]

We're slowing down
Reality has caught up and we've fallen under the tyranny of time. It shows us what's behind the veneer but can we take the truth? Time, i realised, can make or break - we wait for time to tell, we wait for time to come, we wait for time to pass, then we wait for time to heal. Tumultous upheavals our lives intertwined may beget, the more this tide sweeps distance into our hearts.
Reading Week let me catch my breath, Elearning Week let me trace my steps, and now i'm back on track, in the spirit of a punk rock girl with flowers in my hair - Time mended me.

Fright Night Lights

Dogs in the Den

all that matters, is today(: -

[+29.9.09! || 10:55]

where in the world are you when i need you

all that matters, is today(: -

[+28.9.09! || 01:29]

In this world, everything is ephemeral. Life in itself is transient. But it is cast against a long and possibly neverending shadow of the unknown, which we immensely fear. And this fear manifests in a slew of cognitions like doubt, insecurity, paranoia. We have abandoned the privileged domain of being carefree, unbridled creatures of generality; undefined.
Eutopia sold for sins

all that matters, is today(: -

[+22.9.09! || 00:02]


all that matters, is today(: -

[+21.9.09! || 00:56]

Violets are blue
Roses are red
Say it isn't true
Don't tell me romance is dead

all that matters, is today(: -

[+18.9.09! || 01:38]

on this cold night
i feel like curling up in bed with someone and keeping warm

all that matters, is today(: -

[+12.9.09! || 23:20]

i smiled when i saw thisabsolutely befitting description
you have no idea

all that matters, is today(: -

The Atlas of Human Anatomy 3rd Edition by Frank H. Netter is a mighty good read
what a knockout, right?

all that matters, is today(: -

[+11.9.09! || 22:42]

Life is moving too fast. i feel like adam sandler in click
the only good things it brought came through reminisce

Quotes from Ghosts of Girlfriends' Past:
It's magical comfort food for the weak and uneducated
The foundation of a friendship is the best gift you can give a relationship
Heard, Understood, Acknowledged!

Here are some other amusing photos from ghosts of a more relevant past

16 sep

all that matters, is today(: -

[+6.9.09! || 22:44]

この間二回友達と映画を見に行った。プロポサルとタイムツラーブラスワイーフを見ることがある。プロポサルはおもしろくて、楽しかったですが、タイムツラーブラスワイーフのほうが好きです。ずっと悲しかったですから、わたしはなきくよ。うれしかったけど、どうしようかな?あいつは忘れない。特に日本語の勉強するとき、彼は思い出しました。ほんとうにごめんなさい、まるまるさん。どうしようね。。最近はもうひとり友達とよく話してから、いい友達になる。しかし、こちらはあまりよくない人と思いますよ。とてもざんねんですね。かなしくなる!): 皆さんもそう思う?わからない?今、何かずっと欲しい。かぜさま、お願い!


all that matters, is today(: -

[+5.9.09! || 23:59]

i am a private person
i don't like where things are going

all that matters, is today(: -

[+1.9.09! || 13:25]

things that make me run & hide in the bathroom, fiercely denying my weaknesses

all that matters, is today(: -

[+31.8.09! || 21:51]

"drug compounds are like morals.. they degrade over time.. some are stable while some are not"
(Jansen, 2009)

all that matters, is today(: -

[+23.8.09! || 01:24]

Old doubt and a girl by your side
She's feeding your pride as you go for a ride down the star mile

World's rise as she lets you come in
A duo begins to the Hollywood din of the lonely

And all the gold dust in her eyes won't reform into a ring
You had and lost the one thing you kept in a safe place
Remember the face
The girl who had made you her own and how you left her alone

All's well at the base of the hill
You might need to fill a prescription to kill off the sirens

Look down from your tower on high and take in the night
Look her right in the eye
She'll listen

And all the gold dust in her eyes won't reform into a ring
You had and lost the one thing you kept in a safe place
Remember the face
The girl who had made you her own and how you left her alone

Life comes to those that'll choose the regular news
Over playing the blues with the light on

And if you burn the road that'll lead you back to her in time
I'll watch you turn to stone
Can't find the sublime
She's moving on without you
The tide breaks
You watch the stars fake
They gather you back to their homes
I guess it's better than being alone

all that matters, is today(: -

[+19.8.09! || 00:42]

at the crossroads once again
this is it. this is me

all that matters, is today(: -

[+17.8.09! || 01:09]

Arts Bash With Love


give me back my dignity, you've taken it without my permission. take pity, have mercy, give me back my dignity
find it in your heart, stop your mindf
i just want you on my side like before

all that matters, is today(: -

[+16.8.09! || 11:41]

If I were a boy, even just for a day
I'd roll out of bed in the morning and throw on what I wanted and go
Drink beer with the guys, and chase after girls
I'd kick it with who I wanted and I'd never get confronted for it
Cause they stick up for me

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man
I'd listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he's taken you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

If I were a boy, I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone it's broken so they think that I was sleeping alone
I'd put myself first and make the rules as I go
Cause I know that she'd be faithful, waiting for me to come home
To come home

If I were a boy
I think I could understand, oh-oh-oohh-oh
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man
I'd listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he's taken you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

It's a little too late for you to come back
Say it's just a mistake, think I'd forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
You got it wrong

But you're just a boy
And you don't understand (yea, you don't understand, oh!)
How it feels to love a girl someday
You wish you were a better man
You don't listen to her
You don't care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
Because you've taken her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

But you're just a boy

all that matters, is today(: -

[+12.8.09! || 12:04]

i'm losing focus, my eyes are not sharpened, i can't see myself anymore
i used to be right where you want me, now i'm falling apart, i'm all over the place
they think i'm in control, oblivious that i'm losing my way, gaunt & grey
silence like a tumour grows, nothing to keep this disease in rein
internal decadence

all that matters, is today(: -


all that matters, is today(: -

[+11.8.09! || 21:35]

Spanning the absence of entries from june till now, i became 3 shades darker. Contrasting with other shades on different parts of my body, i'm actually a very colourful girl! (: pun intended
Arts camp & Oweek 09 was infinitely rewarding. And as the saying goes, the magic can only be understood if you've been a part of it. New roles and fresh responsibilites granted me deeper understanding of people & play, priorities & perspectives. not to mention perceptions - highly lethal silent killer. FOP culminated in rag (okay there's still bash, which everyone should go for! free advertisement coming from me) and it was a low but yee taught me that it's not about winning. i know he thoroughly understands that's why it was enlightening. miq brought me to see the KE7 float and oh my shit he's right it was orgasmic! i felt like a kid in a playground! they even had a treasure map inside the ship kldfjoisurkrkjhsdf !!! shit hot
anw i have a ton of vouchers from various unnamed goodie bags so if you would like to have a haircut at chapter 2 or a brazilian wax at a vincent-ng-endorsed parlour, please feel free to drop me a message
moving on
after a long drought of vacations, i finally got to get out of this tiny spore! taiwan is a prelude to the long-awaited japan trip but still fab nonetheless: i bought 10 pairs of shoes! & my chinese is like how ching-chong perfect now..dont cross me i'll send flying chengyus at you
photo happy time

thinking of that day when exams ended, i just can't understand how it changed so drastically but i don't think i'll ever forget those times while they lasted because i know they were genuine. we almost made it
& thank you for being there for me last night

picking up the pieces
more than you more than you know

all that matters, is today(: -

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A wallflower.
A love taken for granted.
By Lysia.