[+10.7.04! || 17:07]

frankly,im tired.hounding's strenuous.my mind's made up,my heart's not.i cant just freak out,let it go.a disservice to my conscience it would be.there never had been a day that you slipped away,a day i had found out that it would never be the same again.there was not a time,im able to speak about,when the scene was picture perfect.so now and then again i revert to that foolish bad patch that i cant even chase away by hurling vulgarities at the mirror.it's like,im slowing down,no more catching up with my happy ending.whens my due cause im under the impression that i want it to hasten.the avril lavigne cd's a saviour just like bella is.it's just what i need now,music.to drown in?not really.just to get some relief.or inspiration,though under my skin's not inspirational,unlike william's,esp not for bad-patching pple i guess.then suddenly i know why im always out in the cold,and that it's thats not about to be edited.i need a sweater,in the end.my words dont have much weight,my few words,even less.that 'one thing true' that i used to base my principles on,cease to exist,now that it's forgotten.i dont want to fall to pieces,neither do you.but so much for companionship,you'd step on me to break that fall.sheesh,my back's breaking.i love my position anyway.when i fall,it's just the floor i hit.no failure to stomach,only bewilderment.did i deserve that fall?the pause i make to ponder is just another chance for which i end up face flat,my skin so familiar to that stone cold corridor.i was wrangled there,i ate tissue paper.to clean out my system,of contradiction.the lies i come across have started to darken,the shades of grey are running out fast.black lies approach with menace.in that corridor with that stain,you didnt abandon me,you strode by me with nonchalance i mistook would dissolve one day.there had not been an acquaintance i was hoping for.how i wish you had abandoned me,like a normal,everyday heartbreaker,for then we would have once shared contact,as small as a caress.my face is ashen with anxiety churned from hope when it had not been reciprocated.i grow yellow-skinned,and nails sunken into the flesh,chewed in anticipation you force me into each time you pick me up,before leaving me hanging again.i would sing-my happy ending-into my oral examiner's face if only it had illustrated the case between us.before taps is sung for this chapter which comes to a close today:when would my devotion to you end.

"he wasnt what i want,what i thought,no.he wont even open up the door.he never made me feel like i was special.he isnt what im looking for."
-i dont wanna talk about it,cause im in love with you.

all that matters, is today(: -