[+1.5.05! || 20:29]

actually, im not sure about it all. i always go running when im sad. fatigue seals my pain i believe. it tucks it into the mustiest corner of my mind. and so i went running just now. i ran, i ran and i ran. i ran till my rib hurt. i ran till my head throbbed. i ran till my chest exploded. i ran till the road in front of me was nothing but blurry lines and the sky was a stretch of spinning blueness. but i could not disperse my sorrow. i could not i just could not! and im exasperated at feeling that way cause when i called later i wanted to be happy. i wanted to get a grip and chuck all the unhappy memories, and move on. i wanted you to be happy cause i knew you'd be affected by my mood. so i bit my lip and i made myself happy. i forced my way through ferociously woeful thoughts and i emerged triumphant on the other side. i succeeded in putting up a nice beautiful facade because i heard your laughter i heard your smile and i heard your heart in its feathery weightlessness. i thank god the gruelling part was over for you. i know how i pierced you with every single word i enunciated and i know how you stabbed yourself with endless guilt of every single word you wrote that hurt me. and now that i've set your healing in process i thank god in eternity. but the baddies just kept haunting me in every way that i had no remedy for it. not even painkillers. salvation just eluded me. and deceiving you with pretentious state of my feelings punctured my being even more. i was chatty i laughed i teased i joked i did everything according to your unspoken instructions and i cheated the entire universe save for myself. i guess this stretch of twillight has solidified in the journey of my memory. and i cant scratch it out. possibly, get over it. but, never ever, will i be able to get it out. a kind of unkempt agglutination! agglutination without phagocytosis that is. eeee what am i talking about. i hope you'll never read this. shield your eyes from the red red truth. thinking back, i had said that something, and it triggered off all this and it's a horrible all this im facing. but actually yknow now im clearer of the perspective on your part, i seem to understand your stand better. your strugglings and your lifefloats. but i dont think i can ever put mine into words so all you can do is wait until a day they show themselves and that day'd be worse than apocalypse i suppose cause everything'll come tumbling out. so now can you see the idiocity of being unexpressive. it's not totally negative but not a plus point either. it's a huge and sore contradiction. i dont think today's argument has been solved. i dont think has been settled in the slightest bit. i think it's sorry ass was only just removed from sight by the superficial blanketing of artificial flavoured cheeriness. so i shall go to my room! and sit down, start biting my nails and pulling my hair and screaming at myself in utter disgust yet feeling very very sorry for myself at the same time. yucks this is so sad.

all that matters, is today(: -