[+6.3.06! || 19:41]

stepping into the gates of acjc for the first time today, i felt terrified. at the end of the day, i feel drained. i dont really know how to describe my emotions today, everything's been overwhelming. i looked forward to school because i cleansed myself of all desolate thoughts about this change. people like fran chris and karen made me feel at home, but ultimately, i enjoyed myself because of the whole gang of crescentians i'm so familiar with. For once i didnt have to force myself to relax and enjoy, cause i could do that naturally, with those close friends i have. but in my heart i knew, so very clearly, that these close friends, each in their own different situations, are not going to stay after the first day. and i knew, that i would be left alone again. just that this time it would be much, much harder to assimilate or even to just be able to feel at ease, because everyone around has already found their home in this school. and i look around me, and i'm one of those, who have not. it's that out of place feeling that wrestles me to the ground every time; it's so intimidating and cold. people from hwa chong smsed me throughout the day and i was elated. but it's different from talking to them face to face, and i miss all that so much. i can tell you this: every moment i spent in acjc, i was thinking about the times i had in hwa chong, together with the people i have come to love. every person i see in acjc, seems to look like someone or another from hwa chong to me. the missing just went on and on and on. and i guess that zapped all the life from me, and took over any excitement or enjoyment i felt in me. and when at last i heard the news, i was happy for her. but then it just served to confirm my fears. it should have been this way right from the start. i should have been alone.. but heaven just loves to play tricks on me. in more than just one way, seriously. and i guess these hurtful disappointments dont just fade away in a matter of moments. they remain inflicting pain where it hurts the most. i know this sounds horribly glum, but it's just how i feel now, and probably how i'll feel in the next week or so. only now do i truly understand that no one, and i mean no one human being at all, can understand this and empathise with me. yet at this point in time, the voice i want to hear most, the shoulder i need to lean on most, the eyes i want to look into most, and that sole person who can make things seem brighter at all, who i just want to be my side the most, is not going to be there for me. and i know that's how it's going to be in time to come as well. it's as if i didnt already have enough to weigh down on me. well let me tell you something, if there's one thing that i can do for myself right now, it's to detach from hwa chong as much as i can. the school, the people, the culture.. everything. i wont forget it all, but i dont need the extra load of nostalgia haunting me. so forgive me if i try my best not to go back. and forgive me to try and put it all behind me. including you. but then again i dont think you'd mind. or care, for that matter. i can do nothing, but try, to let go.

all that matters, is today(: -