[+30.3.08! || 11:07]

Forsaken


Making sure what is the right decision when it comes to two people at the crossroads takes more courage than in a lion's heart or a warrior's soul. The struggle is long and hard and comes at you from all different directions. Internally, you are being torn apart by the very heartstrings that tethers your being together as well. How do you know if you should analyse this with your intellectual or emotional quotient and from there, how do you find the appropriate yardstick to measure its worth? Enough with the general inquisition being thrown about as my mind is frenzied as it is already.

After going separate ways that night i came home to a strange world where every item in my bedroom previously filled with memories and meaning became undone. They stopped being there for a reason and were reduced to an unjustified presence. Things i had intention of doing became stupid and redundant, tedious and dreadful. It's all about the gloom and decadence my surroundings were plunged into and i could not help but be engulfed by it as well. This would be the half of me using my heart to tell my brain i'm in living hell without Alex and nothing in this instant can alleviate my agony, except his being back at my side.

The other half of me consists of my brain conveying hard facts and blatant truths of how any form of continuation would only serve to prolong & delay hurt, and in no way be a solution to the problem in the long run, to convince my heart not to be foolish and weak as to give in to the excruciating but inevitable pain.

Alex, remember how i told you about the battles that go on in my head about the 'sensitive issue'? This is exactly it.

I've watched the video and it's a terribly nice song (: I have the version sung by jeff buckley & it's great too. I'll send it to you sometime. Remember the dream i had about you and my brother? That is something that makes me cherish you and the memory is embedded so deeply yet somehow amongst all this gutter in the recent days i lost track of it and let things get out of control so much. Maybe as yujia said, this is one of the phases of a breakup; the self-blame and the giving in to getting back together. Knowing how weak and insecure i am, i'm not going to be able to get past those stages easily. But thanks to your great knowledge of the Seven Habits and how you imparted the invaluable information to me, i know at least i should not stop at resigning to fate in absolute despair.

What strikes me the most is that there is no one there to appreciate my existence anymore. I do not get to live for two people, i have to just live for myself. The us that we have built is being intentionally disregarded and ultimately, i can't believe that we have given up. Both of us have relinquished efforts to hang on. Whether or not we have valid reasons to have done that and whether or not it was one-sided or mutual, the fact is impeccably clear that we have abandoned each other. For the 2 long years of fighting alongside each other on the school, friendship and family frontier, the end i had you promise we would try as hard to avoid, is here.

& we would vanish back into the faceless crowd.

all that matters, is today(: -